I'm such a...

People generally don't believe that I am shy. Why is it that one can't be socially capable and shy? Sure, I can enter a room and strike up a conversation - it's called small talk, people. It means I can pick topics that anyone can comment on - especially if it's related to what's actually going on around us. And when those painful moments arise in which we realize a) we would neverhave any thing to do with each other if it weren't for whatever event threw us together in the first place and b) neither of us can come up with more of these useless tidbits to pretend to be interested in, than I also am able to make an exit, often on the excuse of getting more food or finding the bathroom. Neither of which is particularly graceful, charming, or delicate, but then, I've never been those things anyway. Since entering academia, I've found this point is reached much more quickly, as so many people have no interest in talking about school, teaching, or research (unless they're also acadegeeks, in which case they want to talk about their research).
My method for getting along in a new group generally also involves telling stories that I cross my fingers they will find entertaining - this is more difficult when meeting new people cold, instead of through another acquaintance. Either way, you have to be very careful to read the situation and group you have currently landed in, to avoid offending. (For instance, talking about the best way to cook a rack of lamb is probably not the best conversation fodder when surrounded by vegetarians. Especially if they're bitter about being vegetarians and secretly crave said rack of lamb - they are then just more likely to declare you an enemy of all living creatures, but as long as your reflexes are fast enough to dodge the paint bucket, you should be fine...) But, the situation becomes exponentially easier if you have a mutual acquaintance, because then you can pick a story in which that person features. It's probably a good idea to avoid stories in which you or said friend feature as the recipients of extreme embarrassment, unless said friend is very forgiving.
Back to my original point - why is it that even though I can often get along fine in a room of people, and sometimes even manage to come off as competent (a difficult enough feat in itself), I am therefore told that I can't be shy?? I get nervous before meeting people, to the point where if I can find any way to do so, I will cancel, or find an excuse to not be there? Sometimes finding topics is a painful process that I'm not willing to engage in. Sometimes I really just don't want to talk to people. I was completely called out today by the poor man I had just met for the first time. I was distractedly staring off into space, possibly lesson planning in my head, but probably just staring off, as I am wont to do. I know I forget to smile unless I think about, and I must certainly have forgotten, because he actually pointed out how uninterested I looked in hanging out. Imagine my chagrin to a) be called out, and b) to have to try and explain that no,of course I wasn't uninterested, I had just started thinking about everything I needed to be doing instead of being here.... I know, sounds bad, right? I think I managed to pull it off without embarrassing both of us, but from then on, all I was thinking was, "See, I knew I should have called to cancel at the last minute... why'd he actually have to show... I hate meeting new people, it's so awkward..."
A lot of this awkwardness may stem from my ambivalence about meeting most people. I have been very fortunate in that there have been several cases where I just "click" with a person from the beginning. This is not just the ability to hold a conversation; instead, it is the inability to end the conversation. Both of you just get one another to the point that you can talk, easily shifting back and forth between topics, the layers of talk rippling over one another seamlessly, until you reach a point that you don't need to talk anymore. But even then, the conversation hasn't ended. It's just on pause for the moment while you simply enjoy the company. These are people who I make every attempt to keep in my life, because we can be apart or not speak for months, but when we do it's as if the gapnever happened. We still "get" one another, and fall back into an easy pattern to relating to one another. As much as I love this, it also means that when I meet people with whom this doesn't happen, I am highly ambivalent about them. I've heard the adage that some people need to grow on you, but I would prefer that the people I spend time around can not be compared to lichen.
When I came home today and my roommate asked about the date, as I shrugged my shoulders and made the face I worry she has come to know too well, she cried out, exasperated - "you're such a .....!" She doesn't even have to fill in the blank, because I know I am "such a..." so many things. I don't know if I am relieved or disappointed to hear from my brother that he is the same way - perhaps I can use the excuse that it's genetic? Something tells me that won't work, however. I don't know if my ambivalence is related to my shyness, but it may be in the sense that if I don't see an immediate result from meeting this new person, I am hesitant to put myself through the stress of seeing/meeting them again. All of this makes me sound so selfish, but I don't know how else to explain it.